I watch the sunset fade through orange and pink tonight.
It's been awhile since I wrote a blog post...no, actually, that's not true.
It's been awhile since I posted a blog post. I still write to you guys often. But somehow, nothing has felt right or worth completing.
I don't mind that stuff quite the way I used to...incomplete's, that is. There isn't really anything wrong with starting something we don't finish. There isn't really any problem with inspiration simply flowing.
There's no finish line.
I'm in the process of dissolving the previous conditioning's of the mind.
The idea of busy-ness equating success. The idea of this busi-ness equating my success, too. In January I told myself that the right people would come to Ascend. That they would come. I would not go looking for them.
And you know what? I started receiving applications from people wanting to guide, teach yoga, partner up on online things and that kind of thing. It was really cool and for a hot second a little overwhelming.
Whisper shit to the trees. Tell the forest what you need.
The forest has never let me down.
Our Marketing Manager at Ascend
This is why I'm writing about Tori. She came at the same time that I began reconsidering what it meant to be Free. At the same time that I began contemplating where and how I wanted to engage with responsibility and use of energy. She showed up at the same time that I was recognizing I did not have enough "me" to navigate all of the rules and regulations imposed upon a person trying to build something intended to create space for authentic acknowledgement of the struggles of being human.
I need Freedom of time and energy. Tori somehow came at the exact moment that she was needed most.
Tori and I have known one another for about a year now. And I think, like me, you're all going to come to find that Tori is one of those special ones who just genuinely shows the fuck up for life. And even better yet...Tori got me to take a Tony Robbins personality strengths DISC test when we started working together.
I'm concerned with Freedom. Tori, from what I'm seeing, has this ability to operate in the structures that make me crazy. She doesn't get swallowed by structure. She holds it down while still allowing her head and heart to be free.
"What does it feel like to exist without the imposition of rules and regulations?"
I've been asking myself this a lot lately. Probably to my own detriment. This question seems to be making my existence within rules and regulations feel more and more performative. What does it feel like to exist without the rules and regulations that demand I pay this, that demand I avoid this, demand I do that, the rules and regulations that have told me the government paid for me to be born. What does it feel like to undo these demands upon us all? Why are these things imposed upon as at birth?
Humanity has such greater potential than this current reality. And the issue is that our "leaders" are employees. Not actual Leaders.
Because you see...it occurred to me the other day...I am Free.
Ahhh...but this is neither here nor there...or it is...but I can't quite figure out my place as a writer and observer of the world lately. Sometimes friends and family turn away when I speak honestly, so I try to be mindful of that. A few times I have been told "I don't want to hear/read that" when I'm talking about information cited directly from the United Nations or various military operations.
This is why a team is important. Someone to bounce thoughts and feelings off of and with. I've been writing you guys blog posts for months now, and every time I do, I archive them and save them away for another day. Because I can't seem to focus with all of the "things" that need to be done. I need someone who I can say things to and have her confidently and lovingly listen and say "yeah that makes sense" or "umm...that maybe doesn't have anything to do with business".
But it is a fascinating thing, isn't it? The ways that we shy away from what's uncomfortable. The way that one persons words can make another person turn away and say "I don't want to hear that".
It's the social dilemma for sure.
"Oh me? No, no! Haha, no thank-you. I prefer my echo-chamber of affirming experiences and viewpoints + cute videos of dogs." The human experience is a fun one, for sure. We are funny creatures.
It is for this reason though, that I am finding myself increasingly more free. It is because something is happening inside or me. I'm recognizing it is so incredibly potent to become aware of which ways we actively hand-off our authority.
This is why I am in awe of Tori's timing. As one human to another. I have been calling for this. A team. A teammate who asks me the kind of questions she asks. Authority cannot be given if it cannot be assumed.
And Tori is about to kick some butt and take the steps that I do not know how to take.
"What are your goals for Ascend?" she asked me. Simple enough, but then again, it brought up so much. Ascend, to me, is about creating space for all of us to be seen and held in vulnerable honesty. To have our authenticity validated by being acknowledged for what it is. There are no right or wrong answers. There simply is. This is where we embrace emotional fluency. Embrace the Feminine Power.
Ascend, for me, is the harmonizing of our masculine and feminine forces. We are creating space for the power that has been forgotten in each of us. The power of grace, love and honesty.
But this is the whole thing! I am not Ascend. Colby is not Ascend. It's more than me. And so, in order to show up for the things that are bubbling up and boiling within my heart, I need to step into this.
To who or what have you given authority to?
Consider this...if you will...a musing of my mind...
The Illusion of Authority
You as the glass.
Authority as the liquid within that glass.
Various organizations, institutes, individuals and belief structures as vases. Barrels even, in some cases.
We, as individuals, have the ability to pour our authority into any of these spaces. But when we do, we reduce a little bit of what was within.
Hmm...but perhaps that's not so bad? Maybe we need someone else to look after and over us? I mean...I'm not here to argue with you, I'm just posing these questions for the rhetoric of this blog post.
But what about Ascend? What if it stands alone as it's own vase that is full and as an organization it can be poured into the cups of those who show up in genuine service to something they believe in.
That's what Tori told me. She said, "It's important to me that my work is aligned with who I am becoming."
I respect that sentence so much. Permission to be exactly as she is right now. Permission to grow into everything I have seen in her since the day we met...or maybe not permission to grow into it, but rather, to believe it in every moment. Because I know she's a true one. Her reflective ways, her focused intention.
That's the kind of person that Ascend needs. That's the kind of statement that warrants some authority to be shared and assumed.
Ascend isn't mine. And just a few months ago when I began calling for this, I was worried that it would be hard to hand over some of the authority and get myself out of the way in which Ascend has the potential to grow.
I was worried that I would have a hard time giving up some of the authority. The power.
This is why I believe in empowerment over power. It comes from within.
Much like authority.